Wednesday, February 22, 2006


I think I got that number right.

That's the total number of people in this world with whom I've had sex.

Not counting me.

Lately, I've been reading lots of blogs (mostly by women) who have explored the role of sex--specifically, casual sex--in their lives. And here I am, mid-forties, with an average of one sexual partner per decade.*

I've never had casual sex. Never.

And it's not because I didn't want to--oh, no. It's because, for most of my life, well, I was an idiot. At least, when it came to women.

Think I exaggerate? Lemme take you back to a night in late October of 1979. I was high above Cayuga's waters

Literally. I was high, and it was above Cayuga's waters.** I was in my friend Bill's room, and there was a very pretty girl sitting next to me. After about the third time the joint was passed, I turned to her and said: "What would you do if I asked you to have sex with me?" She considered the question, and said, "Well, I'd be a bit surprised, so it would probably be a minute before I said OK."

I said, "Oh," and had another beer.

It wasn't until the summer that I realized what she had said.***

See? Idiot.

At one time, I never would have admitted this. But now, it's just not that important. Lemme rephrase that--sex is still important. I truly hope to have some more sometime soon**** But it's no longer important to me that I act as if I've had a world of sexual experience.

Instead of casual sex, I've had relationships. So far, none have lasted, but each has lasted longer than the previous. And each person I've been with has given me something.***** And I guess I'm better off for that.

Hell, I couldn't be much worse.


*Not including the first one, for obvious biological reasons.
**No, I did not go to Cornell. I went to school on the next hill over, at Ithaca, where we made fun of the Ivy's something fierce, including their Alma Mater:
Far above Cayuga's waters
There's an awful smell
Some say it's Cayuga's waters
Some say it's Cornell
***It wasn't until that summer that I sobered up, either.
****With someone other than myself.
*****By 'something,' I mean 'something of value,' not 'something for which I need to take medication to clear up.'


Blogger mal said...

HEY! that was YOU??????

Do not feel you missed anything by not partaking in casual sex. Trust me, without the relationship it just is not that much fun and good way to get things you do not want

7:47 PM  
Blogger Balloon Pirate said...

I see that today; twenty years ago it hurt like hell.


11:55 PM  
Blogger elaine said...

maybe we're just all destined to spend our 20's feeling bad about what we're doing/not doing and fucking ourselves up over it... Then spending our 30's fixing all the disfunction that we spent our 20's creating.

1:00 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I kind of like the number four.

Then again, five's not bad either.

8:11 AM  
Blogger Daniel Hoffmann-Gill said...

I'm with you on the casual sex thing, not something I do or have wanted to.

Call me a romantic...

11:59 AM  
Blogger Colleen said...

trust are not wrong in what you've done. i like your perspective on sex. and you can freakin cook. dude. if i wasn't married....

9:13 PM  
Blogger Heidi the Hick said...

There's nothing wrong with you. You'll find a mate.

I like this blog, scurvy dog. The part about the demerol was great. I have long conversations with Johnny Depp in my sleep regularly, but I can't even blame the drugs!

Oh, and I've only kissed three guys in my life and I married the third one. So I win, ha!

10:25 PM  

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