The Pain Game

As a rule, I try to avoid superlatives.

Words like 'biggest,' 'fastest,' 'most' and 'least' tend to give me the heebie-jeebies. Likewise, I tend to avoid using 'always,' and 'never,' if for no other reason than to prevent me from having to eat my words later.

But when STBEW and her friends talked about childbirth as The Worst Pain Ever, well...

Actually, many times I just let it roll past. But the subject kept coming up. Over and over again. At every gathering, they would swap childbirthing stories, and tell each other that it was The Worst Pain Ever.

But...

Childbirthing is not The Worst Pain Ever.

The guys already know, and the women can guess (and I'm certain that even the guys who disagree with me publicly will, in that dark place inside where only men can go, admit it to themselves):

The Worst PainEver is a hard rap in the testicles.

Don't believe me? Let's do a side-by-side comparison:

DISCLAIMER: I will hereby readily admit that childbirthing is an intense, mindblowing pain, one that I will never truly be able to comprehend, no matter how many times I'm told that it's like passing a watermelon through my urethra. No way, no way, no how am I denigrating the intensity of the pain of childbbirthing. Women are a strong, fearsome lot, and they deserve vast amounts of respect for what they go through to keep the species alive.

1. AGE: Most women who give birth do so between their late teens and early thirties. Yes, I know that it's possible to give birth as early as 13 and as late as 60, but the predominant childbirthing ages fall inside the aforementioned decade and a half. For men, it doesn't matter if you're aged four or ninety-four. There's no age limit as to when you can get a boot in the crotch.
   
2. AWARENESS: Even in unplanned pregnancies, the mother-to-be almost always knows that a bundle of joy's about to be visited upon their household. Whole industries have sprung up around the concept of 'natural' childbirthing, with a lot of time spent on techniques to deal with the pain of the process. And, for many in the western world, there are drugs that will lessen, or completely eliminate, the pain of childbirth. Men, on the other hand, are usually quite surprised by a shot to the nadgers. I honestly can't imagine anyone who would plan to have this happen to them. One minute you're riding you bike, happy as can be, and there's a pothole and boom! Or your four year old son wants to show you his big-leage baseball swing and boom! Or you misjudge the amount of space between your eastbound body and that westbound guy with a briefcase and boom! Your neighbor's Irish Setter is a little to exuberant when he bounds over to sniff you and boom! The asshole in the next cubicle who never outgrew his high school locker room days reaches out and boom! You don't even have to be active; you can be sitting there reading the paper, and cross your legs when Big Jim and the Twins are in the wrong spot, underwear- wise, and, quite embarrasingly, boom.
   
3. OPPORTUNITY: Let's put it this way: a whole bunch of things have to happen well before the blessed event in order to have the event happen at all, and if I need to 'splain it further then you shouldn't be reading this blog. And there's lots of women who will live full, productive, happy lives without giving birth. I would love to be able to live out the rest of my life without having something impact me where my personal Alleghany meets my Monongahela to form my very own Mighty Ohio, but we all know that ain't gonna happen.
4. REPETITION: Once a woman gives birth, even in the most extreme circumstances, it's gonna be nine months at the minimum before it happens again. On the other hand, it can not even be thirty seconds after a shot to the groin, and guess what? Yep...boom! And finally:
5. OUTCOME: Childbirth, as its name implies, brings forth a child. The only thing a shot to the stones will bring forth is a low groan and a little gas.
   

Yes, I know, not every pregnancy ends well. I've been there. But even though the US has the highest infant mortality rate in the western world, 99.5% of US births result in a child.

So, ladies: the next time you see a guy inadvertenly rap himself in the sack trying to open a bottle of wine, understand his pain.

And guys, if you have any brains at all, if you hear a woman talk about the intense pain of childbirth, for Pete's sake keep your piehole shut.

yeharr