Friday, November 25, 2005

An Open Letter...

If you are a man who has ever:
  • Had Space Food Sticks in your lunch box
  • Sung the theme to F-Troop
  • Had an earnest debate as to whether Samantha from Bewitched or Jeannie from I dream of Jeannie is the hottest supernatural woman on TV
then this letter is for you:

Put your cap on straight.

Why are you wearing a baseball cap, anyway? You're obviously not going to be throwing a ball around. It's 7 pm, and you're wearing baggy jeans, a bomber jacket and a baseball cap turned backwards.


What are you trying to prove? Who do you think you're fooling? Tuck in your shirt, pull up your pants, and for God's sake, if you're going to wear a cap, at least wear it the right way.

Dude, you're in your forties. There's nothing wrong with that, except you didn't ever think it would happen to you, did you? Tell the truth--you didn't. But your twenties turned into your thirties, and you were cool with that, and then damn if your age didn't keep on growing. Ballplayers you remember from their college days are in the hall of fame. That rookie in left field? You saw that kids dad hit a home run back in....

Oh, my God.

Yeah. It happens to all of us. Deal.

Here's the thing, fella: It's OK to have the attitude of a young man. It's OK to act like a young man.

It's not OK to dress like one.

And stop hitting on my daughter-in-law. I know my son's not married, but he's 23, and will be eventually.

Dude--remember the old guy? The one in the disco with the leisure suit and the hat, who learned "The Hustle" from Arthur Murray, and would ask girls to dance while Kool & The Gang played "Get Down on It?"

Dude, that's you now.

Wake up: If you're in a room with pretty young women, and every other guy in the room is wearing his cap backwards as a fashion statement and NOT to hide the bald spot, she's not going to be into you.

Here's the thing: despite what my Aussie daughter Rowena has claimed, there ARE women out there who value maturity in men. Some of them are your age. MOST of them are your age. But there are some who are younger.

They're not impressed with your sartorial selection.

I know I sound harsh, but I'm not just thinking about you. The reason why they're wearing their caps backwards is because it's the wrong way. You're supposed to be mildly put out by it, not accept it as a fashion trend. Those guys are wearing it that way for the same reason you wore bell bottoms. Take that away from them, and what's left?

Yeah. Not pretty.

So, do everyone a favor: You don't have to act your age if you don't want to. But at least dress a little more age-appropriate.

And that means losing the baggy shorts too.



Blogger United We Lay said...


10:11 AM  
Blogger Colleen said...

hahaha...too funny.

dude, i saw this old lady the other day...she must have been 60 (at least her skin said she was 60, her hair a la clairol was red and not natural) she was dressed like brittney spears. i shit you not. i couldn't help but stare at her. and don't even get me started on how she talked.

4:12 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I don't especially mind backward baseball caps on guys of any age, but I also believe that everyone is entitled to "pajama mode" when the sun goes down. Can you tell I spend my evenings with a 1-year-old?

6:13 PM  
Blogger Balloon Pirate said...

At least you can get her into jammies. For years, bedtime at my place involved tracking down son #3, who would run around the house screaming "I'm nakey boy! I'm nakey boy!"

He's nine now, and we've compromised on boxers, and occasionally one of daddy's T-shirts.


11:18 PM  
Blogger Rowena said...

BP, I think I really did a bad thing writing *that* post.

I am sorry : - (

4:10 AM  

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