Lunch

I took STBEW to Subway for lunch today. I had coupons. It was a working lunch.

We needed to discuss the divorce. It all came down to one thing:

Custody.

Even though she's got nothing except an apartment being paid for by someone else, she wants it. Actually, what she wants is joint custody, but I won't do that. I need to be as distant from her as I can possibly be. So it's either her or me.

One of the things that originally endeared me to her was her indomitable spirit. She would not back down, or give up. It enabled her to work her way up from a part-time data entry clerk, to a manager at the local PBS station in about five years.

Maybe it's perspective, or maybe it's something else, but that indomitable spirit seems to have turned to spite-filled stubbornness.

I asked her not to fight for custody. She would lose. All that would happen is that a custody battle would delay the inevitable, and she'd probably get less visitation than what I'm offering.

She said she will get custody because a) my son and daughter share a bedroom* and b) I kissed a girl.**

Umm. Yeah. That all you got?

I offered her quite a bit of visitation: every other weekend, alternating Christmas/Thanksgiving, alternating winter/spring recesses, three weeks in the summer.

Eventually, tearfully, she said she would consider a month in the summer and both recesses. I got one recess back, and agreed to the month in the summer. I wrote it up and emailed it to her and my lawyer.

Then she defiantly demanded that she be allowed to attend school functions, and be able to get the kids after school. I gave in on the first one.

"You're treating me like a common fucking criminal," she said.

I reminded her as gently as I could that in February, she was a common criminal.

I took no joy in any of this. My friend Mike, who is my sponsor in Alanon, went through all of this crap thirty years ago. He's been a great help in this. His view on divorce is that if you're enjoying it, you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

I'm not enjoying this. Although the sandwich was pretty good.

I may not be the best parent in the world, but I'm here. I put in the effort on a daily basis. I've been doing it on my own for three years, and wish to continue to raise my children. And I don't want to keep her children away from her, despite what she might claim.

The problem is, she likes the idea of the kids much more than the kids themselves. And the problem is also that she won't admit it. Yes, she loves them. She's their mother. But that's not enough.

I don't know what the future holds. Maybe she'll get back into society and become a healthy successful person, entirely capable of holding down a job and raising the kids on her own.

Maybe, but that's not how the smart money's betting.

yeharr

*Thre's actually two bedrooms available for them, but they've decided on their own to share one room, and make the other into a playroom. I've discussed splitting them up, but thre was much dragging of feet at the decision, so I've let them stay this way.

**Yeah, I told her. I told her the truth: that we were attracted to each other, so we decided it would be best for me to leave the group. I thought that partners were supposed to be honest with each other.