Gifts

This morning my son woke up in tears.

"I don't want to go to school," he cried. "All the kids are mean to me!"

hooboy.

Some of this could be attributed to extra morning crankiness. We had a long weekend, filled with all sorts of activities, including a surprise birthday party for Puddle on Sunday afternoon.

But there was, I know, some truth to this.

He had told his mother as much in the middle of last year. But this was the first time he's admitted it to me.

I'm still working on the feelings I have about this. Why did he reveal this to STBEW and not to me? I hate to admit that this bothers me, but it does. But that's my problem.

His problem is that he's selfish. And self-centered. It hurts me greatly to admit this, but it's true. I know, all kids share this trait. Some more than others. And he has it in spades. Especially compared to his sister, who it the exact opposite. Some times to her detriment. But that's another story.

So how do I talk about this with him? Especially since he doesn't really want to?

First, I did nothing until tonight. Then I kept it short. I told him that I know he's sad, and angry. I also told him that I know he knows this too, and he doesn't need to hide this all the time. And then I told him he's ok. That this is not unusual. Then I told him that one reason all the kids seem to be mean is because a lot of that sadness and anger is coming out of him sideways, and it's affecting the way he deals with other kids, and they aren't going to put up with his shit the way I sometimes do.

Then I told him that he can change. But, I said, it can only happen if he really wants to change, and no one else can do it for him. But I will be there with him helping him if he wants me to. But he has to make the first move.

A little later in the evening, I told him that there would have to be some changes at my house, too. He could no longer be as bossy as he had become in the past few months. He didn't have to change anything else, but that part of him was in my control, and it was going to change. The only question will be will he go along, or drag his feet.

Since this is my second go-around with all of this* I'm aware of what happens, in a general sense. I dealt with the same problems with Lt. Trouble and Puddle, obviously with mixed success. I know I've been living in the eye of the childrearing hurricane, and I see the far wall approaching rapidly. In a year or two, I give the next talk. No, not that one, although I will have to deal with sexuality soon.

The next talk will be about the upcoming years. I'll tell them that, in many ways the next few years are going to suck for them.** And me, too. I'll suddenly get dumber, and I'll never let them do any of the stuff they can handle, and they won't like me, and may even say they hate me.

And that will be ok. Just like this is OK, too.

I want to show my son that he's been given a gift. He's been shown at a relatively early age how our own behaviors can come back and bite us in the ass. His lesson may be a bit harsher than some, but harsh lessons aren't easily forgotten.

Yeharr

*Third, if you count my own experiences.
**But, I tell them, once they get through them, the decade or so after that can be really, really cool.