Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Name that Rassler!

My nephew Ronald is pursuing his dream. He wants to be a rassler.

He says wrestler. But we know better.

This is not singlets-and-
earpieces Dan Gable-style Olympic wrestling. This is Hulk Hogan
/Goldberg/Marc Henry style rasslin'.

Which pays better. Eventually. For some.

He's joined a local circuit, is working out, plus he's going to Rasslin' school, where he gets the snot knocked out of him on a regular basis.* But he keeps going back.

And he's getting big. He's put about ten pounds of muscle on. He's 6'1", and about 190 right now.

In two weeks, he'll get his debut. It's not going to be a one-on-one match, though. That's for more experienced wrestle--er rasslers.

No, he'll be taking part in a Royal Rumble. Well, the local version of it, at least.

He'll be one of thirty guys going into a ring. And he'll be one of twenty-nine guys who get thrown out of it. The only question is how soon. They'll tell him that in a week or so. I'm guessing it will be in the first five. Hell, he's only 18.

But he still gets to be introduced. So he gets to have a name.

A rasslin' name.

And he gets to wear a costume. If he gets someone to make one for him.

However, creativity's not his strong suit, so he's asked me for help. He's looking for something that will stand out.

Here's some of my suggestions:

  • Since his name's Ronald, I thought we could go with Captain Ron. Pros: Easy costume--knee breeches, a vest and an eyepatch is really all he needs. Perhaps a cutlass. Cons: Possible trademark infringement.
  • Going with the name thing, I thought about putting him in deep red tights and a cape, giving him a perm and having him grow a porn moustache and calling him Burgundy Ron. Pros: memorable play on words, easy costume. Cons: still a chance of copyright infringement, and towheaded 18-year-olds really aren't the best facial hair growers.
  • And my favorite: The Golden Nipple (Once he gets excited, it's hard to get him down)

Those are mine. Got any suggestions? I'd love to hear them.

Cuz right now The Golden Nipple's sort of the winner by default.

Here's his stats:
Name: Ronald (not necessary to be included, but helpful to know)
Age: 18
Height: 6' 1"
Weight: 190-ish
Hair: light blonde, relatively short
Eyes: blue
Skin: fair

And just so you know: I'm sort of goofing around here, but it's what he wants to do. He's pursing his dream, and I'm proud of him for it.


*By this I don't mean they're hitting him--they're working him hard--strength, flexibility, and gymnastics. Plus a few piledrivers as well.


Blogger Madame X said...

Ronald the Rogue.
Roister Ronny.
Rolliching Ronny.
Ronald the human Roman Candle or Just the Roman Candle. ( he will of course need to work pyrotechnics into his act)
Rorschach Ronald.

I enjoy alliteration.

11:04 PM  
Blogger Madame X said...

Ronnie the Rassler?

11:04 PM  
Blogger Heidi the Hick said...

I just want you to know that I was terrified to click on the term "Porn mustache" being a nice innocent Christian girl and all...but I did it. I did it! I'm not ashamed...because a few months ago I made some comment to Jethro about some dude having a "pornstache" and he laughed his head off. He thinks I'm so witty that I invent these things and then I can't remember if I did or not.

Ironically I don't even watch that stuff.

Ravishing Ronnie?

11:39 PM  
Blogger Heidi the Hick said...

by the way did my email get to you?

11:39 PM  
Blogger terry said...

rasslin' ronnie?

nah, it's too hard to beat the golden nipple.

1:17 AM  
Blogger Notsocranky Yankee said...

I think the golden nipple wins. Gel his hair up on top of his head and dye the vertical part brown.

Or maybe Rowdy Ronnie, Rollin' Ronnie...

7:11 AM  
Blogger Balloon Pirate said...

X: I had to look up 'roister.' Good word, but not one that Ronald would know. Same thing with Rorschach.

And I guess I should have mentioned that he hates 'Ronny.'

Hick: I can't imagine you being afraid of any words, good Christian girl or not. I would never put a link to anything questionable or objectionable in my blog without first letting folks know that it was such.

And no, I'm sorry, but I didn't get your email.

Terry: Yeah, the Golden Nipple can't be licked...

Notso: How about Ron Rude?


7:49 AM  
Blogger mal said...

Ron Raunch? Seems to fit the biz

8:55 AM  
Blogger Guy Wonders said...

Ronaldo Power. Strong, slightly exotic, but still American.

I also like Dick Power, because it would go with the pornstache, but I'm not sure if the rasslin' public is ready for it. Of course, young Ron could also use that name in the porn business, too. He could be like Bo Jackson and Deion Sanders and dabble in several sports. But I don't think porn is a sport. . . .

10:13 AM  
Blogger Daniel Hoffmann-Gill said...

A good name for a wrestler would be THE GAY HAIRCUT.

11:23 AM  
Blogger Heidi the Hick said...

CAN'T BE LICKED! Okay. that settles it!!!

11:41 AM  
Blogger WeeOne said...

Mr. R
Rookie Ron
Agent Ron
Rippin Ron
Ron Havoc
...or how about just plain old "RON" I think everyone else has a nick name in the WWE... anormal name like Ron might just stand out enough to work.

11:43 AM  
Blogger WeeOne said...

If he goes with the Golden Nipple... he should get his nipple pierced and hang a gold cap on it.

11:46 AM  
Blogger Heidi the Hick said...

Ron-cho Libre?

12:36 PM  
Blogger Madame X said...

The Golden Nipple can't be licked.

That's it!
Poke a fork in it cuz it's done!

The golden nipple!

12:53 PM  
Blogger B-logger said...

Ron the Slayer.

9:42 PM  
Blogger B-logger said...

The Slayer.

9:43 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

blond bombshell and market him to the ladies if he's pretty or make him all black and scary if he isn't.


1:34 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home