Thursday, February 01, 2007

Yo Voy Para Abajo

Shortly after shutting it down last night, the phone rings. It's one of STBEW's current/ex boyfriends. The one she told me she was staying with. The one that doesn't send warning signals cascading through my nervous system.

He gives me the other current/ex's cel phone number, and tells me to call to find out where STBEW is, because she's "drunk as a skunk." That's the phrase he used.

I dialed and the phone rang, and I wondered why I was doing that. In my sleepy state, it seemed like it was the thing to do. The voicemail was on, so thankfully, I left a message, saying that if there was a problem to let me know.

A minute later the phone rings again. She's calling me. There's no doubt that she's drunk. She tells me she's fine.

I've written and erased a dozen things here. There's a lot of stuff going on...resentments, anger, a bunch of her stuff being thrown to the curb, and more. The bottom line is, she's in a world of shit. Yes, she put herself there, but that doesn't mean it's not painful to watch. This is the mother of my children. The woman that I pledged eternal love to. The one I thought I would live with for the rest of my life.

And she's scared, and confused, and depressed, and not making many good choices right now. And there's not a damned thing I can do about it.

Then there's some practical matters, too. Like the fact that she watches our kids when they get off the bus every day. Can I trust her to do this every day? And do it sober?

In my last post, I mentioned my friend Mike, who went through much of this when he was younger. I talked with him today, abou this and other things. He told me that when one of his daughters was nine, she told him she wished she was older, so she could have known her Mom "when she was nice."

Not too many years ago, but before I met him, Mike's ex checked herself into a hospital with a relatively minor ailment--dizzyness, or something. While she was there, she suffered a heart attack, then a stroke, liver failure, kidney failure--oh yeah, she had lung cancer too. She was dead in four days. Her entire body just shut down all at once.

I've been thinking about Mike's ex-wife a lot these past few days.

I pray that, no matter what else happens in your lives, you don't have to watch someone you love tear themself apart. I can't imagine watching someone dying of cancer would be any worse.

The title of this post is one of the few Spanish phrases I know. I thought it meant "I am going downstairs." Truth be told, it is used in that context. But it's not really what it means.

It means "I'm going down." I won't be, but I'm afraid my ex is.



Blogger Miss 1999 said...

I am SO sorry-- words can't even express. Having to watch someone you love just destroy their life is agonizing. Unfortunately, I've had to watch it happen once, and it hurts more than anything.

You're doing all you can, just remember that, as hard as it is-- and rant to us ANYTIME, that's what we're here for *hugs*

12:31 AM  
Blogger terry said...

oh. crap.

i don't have anything "wise" to say, except i feel for you. i can't imagine how hard this is for you.


12:38 AM  
Blogger Notsocranky Yankee said...

Hang in there!

8:26 AM  
Blogger Heidi the Hick said...

I still say I think you're handling it well, but that doesn't make it any easier for you.

I hope some day she understands.

9:13 AM  
Blogger Daniel Hoffmann-Gill said...

It's a tough call man, thinking of you.

1:45 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

All I can say is what I"ve been saying...stay strong. You put your kids first...we all know that. But, it says a lot about you that you still care for her even though it didn't work out. You are a good person, and you can't sit by and watch her self-destruct.

Gran Abrazos papi. Email me if you want to vent.

4:29 PM  
Blogger AlwaysArousedGirl said...

I watch my children's mother destroy herself. It's horrible. What can you do? You certainly can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

My thoughts are with you.

10:49 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

She, like all of us, is lucky to have you in her life.

11:56 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Your heart is on your sleeve in this post. I find that refreshing when a man can articulate his words withour placing blame. You're cute and emotionaly available. Hmmmmm..hell of a combo.

Sometimes, the ones we love have to hit ROCK bottom before they realize something HAS to change and they have to be the ones to make the change! YOu can offer support, advice and a shoulder (or warm couch) for them. But they have to make the realization. My ex is an alcoholic. He had to make his one steps in order to say " I need help", I need support.

5:52 AM  
Blogger United We Lay said...

Stay strong!

9:56 AM  
Blogger elaine said...

virtual hugs and hand-holding from an antipodean pirate.


8:54 PM  
Blogger cadbury_vw said...

i am sorry for your pain

i can only imagine the suffering you are going through watching someone you love (and sometimes hate) destroy themselves (or be on a path to destry themselves)

i'm commenting on this post before i comment on the previous one, so the ideas will flow together

you made a choice about leaving. you may still feel all that emotion for her.

make sure that you don't give her so much of your head that it damages what you need to do for yourself.

12:35 PM  
Blogger Balloon Pirate said...

Cad: she left me, not the other way around. I'm glad she did it, and I won't have her back, but it was her decision to leave, not mine to throw her out.


10:41 PM  

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