Yo Voy Para Abajo

Shortly after shutting it down last night, the phone rings. It's one of STBEW's current/ex boyfriends. The one she told me she was staying with. The one that doesn't send warning signals cascading through my nervous system.

He gives me the other current/ex's cel phone number, and tells me to call to find out where STBEW is, because she's "drunk as a skunk." That's the phrase he used.

I dialed and the phone rang, and I wondered why I was doing that. In my sleepy state, it seemed like it was the thing to do. The voicemail was on, so thankfully, I left a message, saying that if there was a problem to let me know.

A minute later the phone rings again. She's calling me. There's no doubt that she's drunk. She tells me she's fine.

I've written and erased a dozen things here. There's a lot of stuff going on...resentments, anger, a bunch of her stuff being thrown to the curb, and more. The bottom line is, she's in a world of shit. Yes, she put herself there, but that doesn't mean it's not painful to watch. This is the mother of my children. The woman that I pledged eternal love to. The one I thought I would live with for the rest of my life.

And she's scared, and confused, and depressed, and not making many good choices right now. And there's not a damned thing I can do about it.

Then there's some practical matters, too. Like the fact that she watches our kids when they get off the bus every day. Can I trust her to do this every day? And do it sober?

In my last post, I mentioned my friend Mike, who went through much of this when he was younger. I talked with him today, abou this and other things. He told me that when one of his daughters was nine, she told him she wished she was older, so she could have known her Mom "when she was nice."

Not too many years ago, but before I met him, Mike's ex checked herself into a hospital with a relatively minor ailment--dizzyness, or something. While she was there, she suffered a heart attack, then a stroke, liver failure, kidney failure--oh yeah, she had lung cancer too. She was dead in four days. Her entire body just shut down all at once.

I've been thinking about Mike's ex-wife a lot these past few days.

I pray that, no matter what else happens in your lives, you don't have to watch someone you love tear themself apart. I can't imagine watching someone dying of cancer would be any worse.

The title of this post is one of the few Spanish phrases I know. I thought it meant "I am going downstairs." Truth be told, it is used in that context. But it's not really what it means.

It means "I'm going down." I won't be, but I'm afraid my ex is.

yeharr