Sunday, December 11, 2005

Oy. Tannenbaum.

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By the numbers:
  • Height: 8'7"
  • Lights: 400 (not including star)
  • Garland: 80'
  • Ornaments: more than 250
  • Number of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle ornaments: 4*
  • Support: tree stand, 25 lb weight on back of stand, monofilament line attatched to baluster.
  • Test weight of monofilament line 40 lbs.
  • Number of times I have used the 25-lb weight in the past three years for anything other than keeping our christmas tree from falling over: 0
  • Number of times I have wondered if perhaps I'm overdoing it: 35
  • Additional footage of garland not on tree: 40
  • Instructions for 'care' of garland: Dust with soft, dry cloth. Store in a 'Martha Stewart Everyday' storage box in a cool, dry place, and do not crush.
  • Percentage chance of any of that ever happening: 0
  • Percentage chance the garland will get stuffed into a plastic grocery bag and thrown into a box in the corner of the attic: 75
  • Percentage chance I'll just throw the garland in the trash: 25
  • Number of kids 'helping' me with the decorations: 3**
  • Number of ornaments rendered unusable by their 'help': 5
  • Number of ornaments I managed to smash all on my own: 2
  • Ornaments destroyed per kid: 1.6
  • Ornaments destroyed per adult: 2
  • Chagrin level at just figuring this out, scale 1-10: 9
  • Number of 'musical' ornaments: 1
  • Number of 'musical' ornaments destroyed during decorating process: 0
  • Number of 'musical' ornaments I wish had gotten destroyed during decorating process: 1
  • Number of 'Santa' ornaments: at least 30.
  • Number of 'Santa' ornaments that, no matter how many times you adjust them, always turn themselves so that they face inward on the tree: at least 30.***
  • Number of ornaments that remind me of Lt. Trouble: 5
  • Number of ornaments that remind me of homeless son: 6
  • Number of ornaments that remind me of STBEW: 4
  • Number of ornaments that remind me of my parents: 6
  • Number of times I have made slight adjustments to the ornaments since taking the picture: 11
  • Time devoted to tree procuring, set-up, and decorating, in hours: 11
  • Number of times I have wondered if perhaps I'm overdoing it: 36
Happy Holidays


*Leatherhead, Donatella, & Rafael plastic ornaments, plus one traditional 'ball' ornament featuring the turtles in various 'santa' poses. I have yet to find the multi-tentacled, snarling fanged pink brain-thing. Still searching.
**My youngest two, plus their 12-year-old cousin, who at first was too cool to help decorate, but was soon on the ladder, finding the coolest places to put the ornaments.
***Adjustments tried: twisting the ornament; flipping the ornament hook's axis by 180 degrees; bending the metal of the hook; hanging the ornament in a different place; and hanging the ornament backwards on purpose with the hopes that it will get confused and think I want it to hang that way, and twist around frontwards out of sheer spite.


Blogger Jessica said...


10:03 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

i love it...and the yellow walls too!!!

8:22 AM  
Blogger Daniel Hoffmann-Gill said...

I hate Christmas.

8:55 AM  
Blogger Balloon Pirate said...

Thank you, jessica, and colleen.

And Daniel: You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch.
With a nauseaus super-naus.
You're a crooked jerky jockey
And you drive a crooked horse.
Mr. Grinch.

You're a three decker saurkraut and toadstool
With arsenic sauce.

Wait til you have kids.


10:06 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Speaking of kids, which days do they spend with you over the holidays?

9:06 PM  
Blogger Balloon Pirate said...

they're here Christmas day, but she'll be over.


11:01 PM  

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