Tuesday, August 28, 2007

If You Were a Tree, What Kind Would You Be?

I was asked that a week or so ago.

And the answer: Number one: The Larch. The...Larch.

Yes, I have an answer for everything.*

The Larch. Looks coniferous, is deciduous. Who's it trying to fool?

Least favorite: the ficus. Especially braided ones. They don't grow that way, you know. Someone did that to it. Which meant that, some time ago, someone came up with the idea of doing it. How bored do you have to be to think braiding a tree would be fun? What did they try first? A pageboy on a Japanese Maple? Streaks and tips on a elm?

And they're so finicky. My mom gave me one years ago for my birthday. It started shedding leaves immediately. The next time she called me she asked me about it, so I told her about the leaves. "Are you watering it?" "Every week," I told her. "Stop watering it so much," she told me, "it doesn't like a lot of water."

So I cut down on the watering, and it still dropped leaves. "Where is it?" she asked me. "Right next to my front window," I told her. "It's getting too much sun. It doesn't like a lot of sun."

So I moved it into a corner. Dropped leaves. I moved it in the bathroom. Dropped leaves. I moved it into my bedroom. Dropped leaves. I called mom.

"You're moving it too much," she said. "It doesn't like to be moved."

Well, what a finicky piece of vegetation this thing turned out to be! Doesn't like sun. Doesn't like water. Doesn't like to be moved.

Has no problem getting its trunk done up in a French pleat, though.

For that Christmas, I gave mom braided firewood.


*Not necessarily a correct answer. Just an answer.


Blogger sassinak said...

a willow
they bend for everything and survive anything...


7:19 PM  
Blogger mal said...

I successfully killed two Ficus trees the same way.. I hate them or they hate me

Me? I would be the Quaking Aspen just glorying in the breeze

7:21 PM  
Blogger terry said...

i, too, am responsible for murdering a ficus!

then again, i have a black thumb. plants don't survive anywhere in my presence.

which is why i prefer cut flowers.

oh. your question. what kind of tree? palm, so i can live in a tropical locale. just don't plant me in SoCal.

8:07 PM  
Blogger Guy Wonders said...

I'm already a tree. . .

9:27 PM  
Blogger Notsocranky Yankee said...

A white birch. By far my favorite tree we have up here. Although my neighbor's maples give us excellent syrup...

I had a ficus in Atlanta that LOVED the sun. It got really big and I had to trim it. Usually I kill plants so it must have been in the right place. :) I brought it to NH and killed it.

I also had a ficus in pilot training that was the home of my 2 chameleons -- when they weren't climbing the window blind's strings to sit in the sun.

7:15 PM  
Blogger cadbury_vw said...


number twenty-seven



8:40 PM  
Blogger Heidi the Hick said...

All I can think of right now is Ned Flanders holding up a dead plant.

"I'm a murdiddilyurderer!"

9:31 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

i think i would be a willow too. not that i'm a weepy person, but they are my favorite tree. they are absolutely gorgeous in the spring when they bloom, and they survive anything

9:52 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I'd be one that was good to sit beside.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Daniel Hoffmann-Gill said...

Something big and strong but with a soft bit in the middle, maybe a weeping willow?

10:20 AM  
Blogger GC said...

very nice one
I couldn't think of an answer to that tree question
I asked some other people
someone said bougainvillea
I don't think that's a tree

4:38 PM  

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