"You're Doing the Right Thing"
That's what the (female) bailiff told me after she escorted STBEW to the elevator.
Our preliminary hearing had just ended, and she was worried about what my ex was going to do. I don't know if the she was worried STBEW was going to hurt herself or me, and I'm guessing she didn't know either.
Let's start at the beginning:
I got to the court house seconds after the fire engines did. As I mentioned back when I was on Grand Jury, the Hall 0' Justice hasn't aged well. The recent heat wave caused some circuit to go kerbloingy-bloingy, setting off the fire alarms, and forcing everyone to leave the building just when I was supposed to enter it. So, our hearing was delayed for an hour.
By the time I got up to the hearing room, STBEW was already there. On one of the hottest days of the year, she was dressed like Stevie Nicks: A floor-length black crepe dress with a laced-up vest that may have been part of the dress. She has a 'thing' about looking nice for meetings, and this was the best she could do. She also forgot her glasses. About forty minutes of the hours' delay I spent sitting outside the hearing room with her, while we waited for the judge to show up. My lawyer was on vacation, so a junior member of the firm was going with me in this hearing, but she didn't show up until just before we walked into the room, so I couldn't even pretend to immerse myself in conversation with her. Instead I just sat and listened to her bitch about how long this was all taking.
She has no job, yet she's the one complaining about the delay.
The hearing didn't take long, but she managed to make an impression with more than her outfit. She cried about not having a lawyer. According to her, there were no lawyers available who could fit with her schedule, even though she has no job. She tried to introduce another long list of grievances against me from the marriage, even though the judge kept telling her that this wasn't what the hearing was about. And then she accused me of keeping the children away from her.
She did this all tearfully, angrily.
The judge asked why we didn't have a set schedule for visitation. I could have responded in a number of ways, but I simply said the truth: she's never asked for one. I also pointed out that she had seen them the previous weekend, took my daughter to a free concert on Thursday, and was going to be with them all day on Thursday.
I think I've been more than fair with her, although she will never admit to my being anything but mean. Right now, I'm offering her every other weekend with the kids, alternating school holidays, and a month during the summer. My only caveats are:
For his part, the judge promised her she'd make sure she gets a lawyer. He also gave my lawyer permission to help her with some of the preliminary stuff necessary for this.
Afterwards, my lawyer told me that it would be good for her to get a lawyer, because otherwise , nothing could get done.
As for me, I'm just sad. It's hard to watch the woman I loved be reduced to what she is now: a barely coherent, angry, defensive addict only interested in pointing out grievances and telling people who's to blame for them. I thought about how many times in the past she would get herself into situations similar to this, and how many times I would rescue her.
And that urge to rescue is strong. Watching someone in such pain is hard--harder still is the realization that she's done this to herself, and only she can get herself out of it. But as of yet, she has no desire to do so.
We have a hearing on September 13th. Hopefully by then she'll have a lawyer. I think what I will do is make the offer one last time (with the caveats), and give her a day to either accept it, otherwise it's off the table, and I'll offer a much less generous visitation.
Hopefully that will work, and I'll finally get some closure.
Until the point, somewhere down the road, when the kids decide they don't want to be with her anymore.
yeharr
Our preliminary hearing had just ended, and she was worried about what my ex was going to do. I don't know if the she was worried STBEW was going to hurt herself or me, and I'm guessing she didn't know either.
Let's start at the beginning:
I got to the court house seconds after the fire engines did. As I mentioned back when I was on Grand Jury, the Hall 0' Justice hasn't aged well. The recent heat wave caused some circuit to go kerbloingy-bloingy, setting off the fire alarms, and forcing everyone to leave the building just when I was supposed to enter it. So, our hearing was delayed for an hour.
By the time I got up to the hearing room, STBEW was already there. On one of the hottest days of the year, she was dressed like Stevie Nicks: A floor-length black crepe dress with a laced-up vest that may have been part of the dress. She has a 'thing' about looking nice for meetings, and this was the best she could do. She also forgot her glasses. About forty minutes of the hours' delay I spent sitting outside the hearing room with her, while we waited for the judge to show up. My lawyer was on vacation, so a junior member of the firm was going with me in this hearing, but she didn't show up until just before we walked into the room, so I couldn't even pretend to immerse myself in conversation with her. Instead I just sat and listened to her bitch about how long this was all taking.
She has no job, yet she's the one complaining about the delay.
The hearing didn't take long, but she managed to make an impression with more than her outfit. She cried about not having a lawyer. According to her, there were no lawyers available who could fit with her schedule, even though she has no job. She tried to introduce another long list of grievances against me from the marriage, even though the judge kept telling her that this wasn't what the hearing was about. And then she accused me of keeping the children away from her.
She did this all tearfully, angrily.
The judge asked why we didn't have a set schedule for visitation. I could have responded in a number of ways, but I simply said the truth: she's never asked for one. I also pointed out that she had seen them the previous weekend, took my daughter to a free concert on Thursday, and was going to be with them all day on Thursday.
I think I've been more than fair with her, although she will never admit to my being anything but mean. Right now, I'm offering her every other weekend with the kids, alternating school holidays, and a month during the summer. My only caveats are:
- She has a place for the kids to sleep
- She has food for the kids to eat
- She doesn't smoke in the house while the kids are there
- I know where they are.
For his part, the judge promised her she'd make sure she gets a lawyer. He also gave my lawyer permission to help her with some of the preliminary stuff necessary for this.
Afterwards, my lawyer told me that it would be good for her to get a lawyer, because otherwise , nothing could get done.
As for me, I'm just sad. It's hard to watch the woman I loved be reduced to what she is now: a barely coherent, angry, defensive addict only interested in pointing out grievances and telling people who's to blame for them. I thought about how many times in the past she would get herself into situations similar to this, and how many times I would rescue her.
And that urge to rescue is strong. Watching someone in such pain is hard--harder still is the realization that she's done this to herself, and only she can get herself out of it. But as of yet, she has no desire to do so.
We have a hearing on September 13th. Hopefully by then she'll have a lawyer. I think what I will do is make the offer one last time (with the caveats), and give her a day to either accept it, otherwise it's off the table, and I'll offer a much less generous visitation.
Hopefully that will work, and I'll finally get some closure.
Until the point, somewhere down the road, when the kids decide they don't want to be with her anymore.
yeharr
posted by Balloon Pirate at 5:12 PM
10 Comments:
I think your offer is very gracious.
I'm so impressed by your honesty and compassion.
"As for me, I'm just sad. It's hard to watch the woman I loved be reduced to what she is now: a barely coherent, angry, defensive addict only interested in pointing out grievances and telling people who's to blame for them. I thought about how many times in the past she would get herself into situations similar to this, and how many times I would rescue her.
And that urge to rescue is strong."
i am trying to find some words to express my grief for you - your loss - and your pain
and i'm failing
----
"and I'll finally get some closure"
isn't that perhaps the most wearing part. no closure.
no ability to finally just move on.
always the possibility that something new will crop up to fuck things up
the legally tenuous situation and the worry that bombshells can just be dropped at any time
at least with the legal ruling you will have a set of rules to work within
----
i keep telling myself it's like living through a blizzard. eventually it has to stop - and eventually it will melt
and hopefully you move someplace warm (at least spiritually/psychically) before winter happens again...
The bailiff speaks the truth and so do you. . . .
the bailiff is right.
and sadly, i think cad is too, where closure is concerned. there probably won't be any.
all you can do is what's best for you AND the kids, and that's exactly what you're doing. you've been extremely generous and compassionate with her, more than most people would be, i think.
sigh. i'm so sorry.
Out of curiosity, what kind of contact does she have with your older kids?
i think you are being very gracious, and i also think that it is impossible not to want to help someone like this...especially the mother of your children. you are a good person, you want to be fair, but you need to stay strong and it is hard to do all of that. but, you are an awesome dad and you will do what is right for your kids...and you...punto.
you are doing great. things will work out in your favor. the judge sees more than you think.
That really sucks. Your offer is fair. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
for what it is worth, you had and continue to have my profound respect for your perseverance.
Hang in there. You're doing great. Much too kind I think, but hopefully it will be settled soon.
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