Thursday, March 15, 2007


There will be no kittens.

STBEW is back at the halfway house she first lived at when she got out of the clinic two and a half years ago. There's nothing that says we must always be moving forward, but part of me says the past thirty months have been a big waste of time. I know that's not true, because I can look back at what I was like back then, and I know that I've come a long way. And maybe this time recovery will stick for her. I wouldn't bet on it, though.

Nor will I bet against it.

As angry as I am at her right now, I don't think I hate STBEW. I know I don't want to see her, hear her, or even breathe air that's been near her, but I don't wish her ill. Well, no serious, long-term illness, at least.

Do you know what I want? I want to stop time, and pull out an Al Gore-style power point presentation that outlines in excruciating detail all of the shit that she's done to me. All of the pain that she's put me through. And I want to put electrodes into her brain, and flick a button to let her feel all the anguish that I've had to go through because of the actions of someone else. Specifically, her. And I want to keep her sober, because I was sober. I had to be, in order to deal with all the crap. There was no escape for me. I couldn't afford to be selfish.

That's what I want.

And maybe a new car. I want one of those, too.

Oh, and I got a call from current ex boyfriend #2--the one she got drunk with. Apparently, she still has clothes over at his house, and he was instructed by STBEW via current ex #1 to drop her clothes off at my place. Of course, she never asked me if this was acceptible to me. Par for the course.

But I'm glad that she's back in the halfway house. It lets me know where she is, which will make it easier for the divorce papers to be served. I've gotten that ball rolling pretty well, although I know that she's going to fight the full custody thing. Even though she'll have no chance of getting custody, she'll pull out every trick she knows to cost me money.

I'm girding my loins.

In other news: the kids and I will be flying out to Las Vegas in two weeks to visit Lt. Trouble. We'll be there for eight days over spring break. He's very excited to have me out there, and is bugging me to give me a list of things I want to do.

Here's what I have so far:
  • Sit by the pool and relax
Have I missed anything?

More cool news from Vegas: Tomorrow the El-Tee will be leading his squad in PT. He does that all the time, but tomorrow, one of the guys in his squad will be Terrence Howard, who's getting into character for his upcoming role as Jim Rhodes in the Iron Man movie.* The top brass wanted to make sure he got a good workout, so they picked my son. Yes, I'm bragging.

Time for bed.


*For those who aren't cool enough to be Marvel Geeks: Jim Rhodes is the Air Force test pilot that inventor Tony Stark hires, ostensibly to be his pilot/bodyguard, but he also was Iron Man for a while when Stark was battling his alcoholism. Now, Rhodes has a similar suit as Stark, and goes by War Machine.


Blogger Jessica said...

I love your itinerary. Have fun. Enjoy the hot hot weather (90s not too long ago).

1:37 AM  
Blogger Notsocranky Yankee said...

Go see the Hoover dam! Also get a window seat for the flight -- many arrivals come in over the grand canyon. You may see the dam that way also...

8:38 AM  
Blogger AlwaysArousedGirl said...

Well, even though it's a step backwards, it sounds like the best place for her at the moment.

I love your itinerary and if I were going to Vegas, that's precisely what I'd do too.

11:38 AM  
Blogger cadbury_vw said...

is the halfway house just an easy place to stay because she has nowhere else?

one of the things i had to deal with was feeling guilty about being angry - that angry with someone i loved.

i think there must be a way of honouring your anger without letting it consume you

i hope you find a little peace in Vegas (sounds oxymoronish)


[Jim Rhodes also served in Vietnam and was pilot of the helicopter when Stark went to review some weapons installations, no? wasn't he prisoner at the same time as Stark?'s been a few years since i read Iron Man]

12:39 PM  
Blogger GC (God's Child) said...

re she still has clothes over at his house

maybe you can sell them on ebay and get some of your crack money back

3:18 PM  
Blogger terry said...

aw, fer crissakes... blogger ate my comment!! let's try again.

one step forward? at least it's a step in the right direction. here's hoping she continues on that path.

i sooo know what you mean, about wanting her to feel some of that pain. i suppose it's safe to say she IS in some pain, the pain that's behind her addiction, but that's little consolation.

i LOVE your vegas itinerary! be sure to ride the roller coaster at new york, new york. it's a lot more hardcore than it appears...

7:47 PM  
Blogger Miss 1999 said...

I'm glad to hear she's back in the halfway house. Although you're not getting your hopes up or expecting anything, at least she's where you can find her-- and that's a plus.

I hope ya'll have a great time in Vegas! I'm envious! I've never been to Vegas before, but you know, I'd be broke in like 5 minutes-- I LOVE to gamble, that's why I don't do it very often!

2:49 PM  
Blogger Heidi the Hick said...

I think you should park your new car beside the pool and relax in it.

(I'm baaaaack!)

10:13 PM  

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