Sunday, December 16, 2007

For the Chic Hick

Because she asked so nicely, may I once again present to you our collection of plush toys from the annual classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. You can see Rudy all the way over to the right, next to coach Comet ("Think of me as your pal. Right? Right!"). Next is the Grape Jelly Squirt Gun (wish I had one of those when I make the kids' sandwiches). Behind him is the Chief Elf (ever notice how is voice changed when he led the elf chorus in 'We are Santa's Elves?' We believe it's because his tights were riding up. ), The Square-Wheeled Choo-Choo, The Abominable Snowman ("Bumbles Bounce!"). King Moonracer, Charlie-in-a-box, The Weather Elf, Yukon Cornelius, Yukon Cornelius, and Sam the Snowman, who, may I add did not have a bout of incontinence; rather, it's the spot where my EW spilled her coffee on him several years ago. Not pictured is the Ostrich-riding Cowboy, and...

Great bouncing icebergs! Two Yukon Corneliuses??*

Yep. Seems that way. Seems one of them slipped on the Netflix Envelope, ** but he's okay now.

Actually, there were two versions sold at CVS on two different years, and we happened to get them both.

There, Heidi. Happy now?

Oh, also not appearing in this picture, although they're now on display are Hermie ("Now you come to elf practice, learn how to wiggle your ears and chuckle warmly and go hee-hee and ho-ho and important stuff like that!"), Clarice, and the Doll from the Island of Misfit Toys.

We have thought long and hard about that doll, and why it was on the island. As far as we could tell, it seemed normal. The only thing we could come up with is that she has a penis.

What? You have a better idea?


**Monty Python's Flying Circus, Disc 4

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Most Festive

According to our neighborhood association, that's what our house was. This is an improvement from last year's honorable mention.I decided to take a break from shoveling to let you see what the place looked like before the sun went down completely.

Man, it gets dark fast.

The major additions this year were the red bows on the cornices, the silver tree in the corner, the flickering snowflake between the windows, the "North Pole," and the penguins.

According to the head of the association, it was the penguins that did it.

I wonder if anyone other than my children and I are concerned with this holiday migration of waterfowl to the north pole? Penguins are strictly creatures of the southern hemisphere, yet here they are, donning top hats and toques, and making their way into Christmas decorations.

I'm surprised Lou Dobbs hasn't done a special on these immigrants.

Originally, the penguins were closer to the street, but we had to move them back because of the
constant threat of beign run over by gangs of roaming snowplows.

And what post of mine that involves Christmas would be complete without a shot of our tree? This year we went with a 7' concolor. Only 300 lights this year, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle ornaments are relegated to the back, thankfully. Th positioning might change on Christmas Day when Lt. Trouble stops by for his yearly visit.

Hope your days are happy.


Tuesday, December 11, 2007

A Simple Question...

Why does a church need armed guards?

And while we're at it-a cafeteria?

And a theater?

And a bookstore?

And a guest services center?

In my opinion, if a church needs all of those things (especially the armed guards) it's doing something fundamentally wrong.

Fundamentally wrong.


Monday, December 10, 2007

So There I Was...

Wandering around the store, looking for Christmas lights. We finally got the tree, and had it set up, only to discover that every string of light that I owned had huge areas of blackouts. Of course, these were all the same lights I used two years ago. I should learn that the best one can hope for with these two-buck-a-box lights is two seasons.

Let's see if I remember in 2009.

Where was I? Oh yeah--There.

So there I was, wandering around the store, looking for Christmas lights. In my wandering, I noticed a woman--a female clerk--also wandering around, doing a bit of reshopping. The item in her hand was a lamp. One of those small, folksy 20-watt jobbers that women of a certain age and background tend to buy and place on things like small tables in upstairs hallways, or on top of cisterns in the downstairs powder room. She obviously didn't know where these lamps were being displayed, so she was wandering around, holding it in front of her, and searching, searching...

It may surprise you, but I'm not a smooth guy with the ladies. Opening lines don't come easy to me. I need an 'in' to strike up a conversation, and here was one, dropped into my lap. How many times do I get an opportunity like this? It was just handed to me--right out of the blue. I had to go for it.

"Looking for an honest man, Diogenes?" I asked.

She looked at me like a dog watching a card trick. "Umm. No. I just need to put this lamp back on the right shelf."

I then had to show her where the shelf was.

Perhaps I need a lamp, too.


Friday, December 07, 2007

Not Dead Yet

For the one or two of you who care--I'm fine, just busy. Christmas shopping, my jobs, and my online paying gig have taken what little free time I have away from my kids, so I'm not around much anymore. But I've gotten tired of the last post, but no real time to drone on about the present, so I'm just going to give you my most favorite line from one of my most favorite really bad movies:

Superintendent Brown: "There's a huge monster gorilla that's constantly growing to outlandish proportions loose in the streets!"

Yay! Yay for incredibly bad expository dialogue!

It's not just a gorilla--not even a huge gorilla--it's a huge monster gorilla! Better yet--even though it's already huge (as we have previously established), it's still growing! And how is it growing? Constantly! And it's proportions? Ever more (and more) outlandish, apparently. That it's loose in the streets is just gravy, in my opinon.

And the fact that this line was spoken by Jack Watson makes it even better. What--you don't know Jack Watson? Okay-ever see a WWII movie where there was a British Drill Sergeant? That was Jack Watson. Either him, or someone who was imitating him. Most of the lines he said WERE SPOKEN AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE! He played Drill Sergeants because that's what he was during the war. I wish I could have been there when this guy was given his script, and saw the line he had to spew.

And an even more trivial bit of trivia: Jack Watson's father was also in show business: the legendary Nosmo King, who got his stage name from a sign that was cut in half and put on a swinging door at a nightclub.

Well, that's all for now kids. Stay in school!